“ ....“What it takes to be a full-grown man.” I suggested that it was time that men in general and Black men in particular put away their excuses for not being there for their families. I reminded the men in the audience that being a father meant more than fathering a child; that even those who were physically present in the home are often emotionally absent; that precisely because many of us didn’t have fathers in the house we have to redouble our efforts to break the cycle; and that if we want to pass on high expectations to our children, we have to have higher expectations for ourselves.”President Barack Obama - The Audacity of Hope.Right - This is a
DEEP post. And a long one.
YES. I did have to take it there. As Father's Day approaches I thought I'd explore this topic that just keeps on coming up amongst my female friends. It's one for the fellas and the women who Love them. If you can be bothered reading to the end - I hope you find it insightful! ... Peeesh.
Let me firstly begin by stating that
I am well aware that I am navigating hypersensitive territories. This is extremely delicate subject matter for a large proportion of African - Caribbean people and as such it deserves a certain amount of tact on my part. On the other hand due to the alarmingly large numbers in the growth of single parent families within the African - Caribbean communities that are mainly headed by Black Women, it is a topic that also cries out for directness and precision.
Those that know me well are well aware that I’m a direct kind of girl. I don’t like beating round the bush much when it comes to serious issues. Moreover I will try my utmost to handle the subject with due care and attention.
This is an issue that is close to my heart. I am a 28 year old working mother to a beautiful four year old girl. Yes I am a lone parent. Yes I am doing my best to juggle my responsibilities and maintain some semblance of a decent work / life balance - and Yes. It is difficult at times.
There are days when the sheer weight of the responsibility of having to provide for and guide this beautiful little bundle of light, love and energy through the sometimes tumultuous waters called life ends up getting to me and I feel like having a good old cry! However I am very blessed to have the support of a network of close family and friends. The reason I continue to do what I know that I must is due to one simple fact.
I chose this. My daughter did not choose this situation. It all comes down to choices.In an ideal world, according to my parents I would be married to a loving, supportive man and we would both be doing our best to share the responsibilities of raising a family. Moreover we all know that more often than not - unfortunately the world is not an Ideal place.
I am not alone in this. According to official government statistics in 2007 “Forty eight percent of Black Caribbean households have one parent as do thirty six percent of Black African households. Nine out of ten lone parent households are headed by women.” Now I’m not sure just how accurate these figures are in 2010 - But you get my drift.
Now there are various factors for this worrying trend, which I could go into at length. Moreover that would be a different kettle of fish. Higher rates of divorce and bereavement in families are contributing factors to these statistics. However please do forgive me if I am being a little presumptuous in stating that in a large proportion of cases with African Caribbean families this is not the case?
Relationships break down. The way that we relate to each other as men and women has evolved over the years. The advent of women’s lib and other factors has resulted in women being less dependent on men as the sole breadwinner in the family. It has reached the point where it is practically frowned upon for a woman to stay at home and be solely a homemaker. Naturally the change in the status quo has given rise to less tolerance and more readiness to be able to up sticks and walk away from a situation that is fast becoming negative. There is less of a desire to “stick it through - through better and worse” as there was in our forebears time.
I digress.
The reason for writing this post was to explore the so called emasculation of the Black Male in a familial context with the purpose of opening up some form of dialogue. Watching an episode of desperate housewives recently (yes I indulge in a weekly fix of superficial nonsense!! - art imitating life and all that … ) I was transfixed by the dynamics between the plumber and his wife. He felt emasculated due to the fact that his wife had taken it upon herself to pay off the debt on his truck. Now this struck a chord with my personal frustrations and also had echoes of a conversation I’d had earlier in the day with one of my closest girlfriends.
My friend also happens to be in a similar situation to myself in that she’s raising a young child by herself with minimal input from the father. Our conversation had revolved around a recent situation that had arisen when the term -
“emasculation of the black male” was thrown into the mix. As we were discussing the situation I suddenly felt rather repulsed by the
“woe is me” attitude all too widely displayed by far too many “grown *ss men” - and by grown I mean over the age of 30 and therefore old enough to know better!!
Both episodes got me thinking hard which resulted in me mentally concluding that
I do not understand how a man can feel like a man - much less refer to himself as a man when he is one hundred percent content and comfortable with the women in his life - be it mother, sisters, current girlfriend or spouse - taking on his portion of responsibility for himself and his child(ren). To further compound my point I do not understand how these women in question do not see how they are with exacting precision removing the man’s masculinity by doing so!!I know it’s the 21st century and all that but surely the nature of man and woman hasn’t changed all that much even with the advent of modern distractions since the dawn of time. I must admit that when I discovered my impending motherhood I was absolutely petrified of just how I was supposed to be responsible for another life when I hadn’t displayed much success in looking after myself. However the second that oxytocin kicked in I felt a fiercely protective love towards that tiny bundle of energy.
If the natural state of Woman is to Love, Nurture and Guide then isn’t the natural state of Man to Provide and Protect?? Or am I still living in a fantasy Cinderella world?Now don’t get me wrong. It may appear that I am simply putting our men down. Hold your horses and don’t run away with yourself if that’s what you are thinking!! I am not.
I own responsibility for my choices.
Taking responsibility for your choices and loving yourself in spite of and because of your shortcomings is the point at which growth and healing occurs. I can wholeheartedly accept that the reason I know find myself in the situation I am in is due to poor previous choice in a man. I’m not saying I would take it back. I wouldn’t. If I did my daughter wouldn’t be who she is/ may not exist and I am of the unwavering belief that there’s a reason for everything. The reason I may have gone through some turmoil in her early stages may have absolutely NOTHING to do with me - and maybe everything to do with the fact that she is destined to do something so great - that she HAD to be born. That is just one way of looking at it. Whatever the reason I will just put it down to experience - draw a line underneath the saga and make better informed choices in the present and future.
I would say that the same applies to a lot of my friends who have found themselves in similar situations. Had they been using common sense and not rushed headfirst into situations which upon closer inspection were less than savoury - and that they had NO REASON putting themselves in, they would not be in situations similar to mine. Hindsight is a proverbial *****!! Lol.
I do not condone women who use their children as bargaining chips in these situations either, nor those women that repeatedly open their legs and push out babies to a myriad of different men in order that they may continue to get their weekly governmental cheque. That’s a whole different post too!! I’m trying to suspend all judgement here and be as perceptive as possible whilst retaining some level of objectivity. I guess what I’m trying to say is that If Black men are at fault in these situations then we as Black women are equally at fault. It takes two. What I would like to know is how do we move on from this point?
I am no Angel. I have my numerous issues as much as the next person. However I cannot and will not condone the
“hard done by, refuse to take responsibility for your actions or provide for and support your child’s needs and wellbeing in a positive manner” attitude as it sickens me. It’s not a question of judgement here. It’s a question of accountability plain and simple. This is attitude originates in nothing but a ridiculously extreme form of selfishness. The “woe is me” attitude on either the part of mother or father completely negates the experience of the innocent child in the situation who did not request to be born.
Now my father is a completely different breed of man. He is cut from an entirely different cloth and I remain sincerely hopeful that his breed is not dying out! And that has little to do with an Oedipus complex!!!
My father is from the stock that knows nothing but plain old hard work in order to meet the needs of his expansive family. He is the sort of Dad who has heightened senses to not just what I need but what the whole family needs. If he senses that I need anything - be it a trimmed hedge - some extra cash - a listening ear or the obligatory lecture - He will turn up and sort it out without me ever needing to open my mouth.I also have male friends from various racial backgrounds, who although they don’t necessarily get on with their Child’s mother will stop at nothing to have a positive influence into that Childs life or to provide for them. I know
A LOT of good, decent, Hard working Black men that will stop at nothing to be the Best.
These are successful Brother’s who although they may have had challenging starts themselves have ultimately CHOSEN to go against the grain and break the cycle. They have CHOSEN to support their families and be excellent role models whilst facilitating the younger generation to strive to attain their own level of excellence. Their professions range from the arts, to sports, the sciences and civil service.
These are the Future Malcolm X’s, the future Dr King’s the future Barack Obama’s. I know a lot of them. They inspire me with their courage, their audacity, their unwillingness to flinch or take no for an answer. These are the men that future strong civilisations are built upon. I recently had a conversation with one such man who also happens to be my brother. We were discussing the illusion of Black people having to work twice as hard as others just to earn their place. Now you may disagree with me when I refer to this as an illusion - but firstly hear me out. The premise that my brother and I had for reaching this opinion is that each individual is totally accountable for their own life and therefore needs to do the best by themselves.
I know from my own personal experience that if I am 100% honest with myself, whenever I have fallen short of anything I was capable of - it had nothing to do with anyone else and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I was making excuses for myself.
I do understand the arguments referring to the glass ceiling in this country if your skin is of a darker hue within certain industries - I even witness it on a day to day basis. Moreover that is just looking at the surface. Most things on the surface are illusions based upon perception. If you manage to glimpse below the surface even for a nanosecond you will see the infinite supply of ideas and hence the boundless possibilities. This is why I am of the belief that I do not have to work twice as hard due to my skin colour. All I need to do is work on fulfilling my own potential and being the best possible me that I can be. God does the rest. President Obama is a perfect example of that. Now most of us in the know will be well aware of the Willie Lynch theory of how to break a N*****. For those of you not in the know Mr Lynch compares the breaking of a slave to the breaking of a horse. If you want to know more - Google it!! This post is long enough!!
Now I can see how this way of dealing with The “Black Stallion” when combined with the legacy of slavery, the African holocaust, Colonialism, Neo colonialism and the African brain Drain has had a debilitating effect on Black men, and Black people as a whole. We KNOW the causes. We discuss them ad-nauseum. The militants among us will take every opportunity to shout them from the rooftops which I actually agree with to an extent. Moreover I am of the conclusion that in this day and age we are the ones who feed into and perpetuate this cycle.
We break the cycle by informing ourselves of the causes, the effects and then making an informed CHOICE about how we want to live our lives. Education, Accountability and KNOWLEDGE OF SELF are key in breaking the vicious cycle.
I have drawn the conclusion that the males who refuse to step up and take responsibility for their actions are emasculating themselves! Albeit unwittingly. I’ve heard many a sob story about the most depressing scenarios in which a lot of men like this were raised and still my response would be SO WHAT? What are you going to do about it now? Most homes are dysfunctional in some way or another. In fact you may be surprised to learn that some of the most successful people on the planet that have changed humanity for the better come from some of the most dysfunctional and impoverished backgrounds. Yet for some reason these steel magnolias flourish in the harshest of environments.
I would attribute practically all of this to mindset. These “world shakers” have made mental decisions that they will be totally one hundred percent responsible for their actions and that they will be the very best that they are capable of being. In the process these individuals powerfully shape not only their lives, but the lives of others all over the world. I cannot condone the blaming everyone but yourself for your actions and the “oh there’s no opportunity out there for a Black male” mentality. If you stop for a second and look around you will see that opportunity is rife. And even if it is somewhat lacking we are all born in the image of the Creator which ultimately means that we too are creators. We have the power to create and shape our opportunities and destinies though thought, word and deed. The world can be a hostile place. Deal with it. If you have will power enough you can and will overcome the biggest barrier to success which is ultimately oneself. “Our greatest fear is that we are Powerful beyond measure.” When we remove ourselves from the situation and start looking at the other people involved - namely the innocent offspring in the situations then we find that we have something more than ourselves to fight for, to build for, to RISE for. Let’s put all the blame, complaining and excuses to the side for a moment and examine ourselves and our actions.
Children are not trophies to be shown off on a once or twice yearly basis. They are the future generations. What we sow into them today will bear fruits tomorrow. They have feelings, hope dreams and aspirations all of their own. They need love, nurturing, guidance and attention IN ADDITION TO food, clothes and shelter. If you are not helping to in some way provide ALL of these things - physical, spiritual and mental needs then you are ultimately doing your child and YOURSELF a huge disservice and you are feeding an already negative cycle.
It’s time for us ALL - Male and Female to step our games up or get left at the wayside.
To all my Brother’s taking care of business and Shining a light I SALUTE YOU!!! “If I have seen farther than other’s It’s because I have stood on the shoulders of Giants.”
Lets awaken this Sleeping Giant.
